Yo Ho Ho and a Can of Whoopass
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: Katsura has gone missing, and now Gintoki must embark on an epic adventure to save him! Or at least that was what the script said, but then space pirates burned it and hijacked the plot. Sexy pirate chicks, ahoy!
1. Gratuitous Abuse of the Shinpachi

"Ah, the price of toilet paper is up again. Now what are we going to do? At this rate we'll have to sell someone's kidneys just to wipe our asses..."

"Oi," Shinpachi said. He half-heartedly glared at Gintoki through the corner of his eye. "Before we resort to offing people for illegal organ harvesting, why don't you put back that carton of strawberry milk? Then we'll have enough cash."

"When I said 'someone', I meant you."

"My point stands. You can't afford the milk."

"But then my mouth will be sad. Do you want my mouth to be sad?"

"Oh, so your mouth being sad is a tragedy, but I should sell my kidneys to feed your sugar addiction."

"It tends to get foul when it's sad. Stupid useless otaku glasses boy cat-fucker."

"Wait. Cat-fucker? Where the hell did that come from!"

"From a future without sweets." Gintoki said this calmly and without missing a beat.

Shinpachi turned around and the two of them engaged in a stare-down. Alas, but Shinpachi's common sense was nothing in the face of his employer's raging sweet tooth. He was defeated.

"Fine. We'll just have to continue begging Otose-san to feed us. The rice goes back on the shelf... along with our pride."

The new part-timer at the cash register kept sneaking glances at them while ringing up the purchase. Gintoki picked his nose. Then he dug around in his ear. Then he used that same hand to rummage around in a pocket that was right next to his crotch.

"Here," Gintoki said, smacking the bills into the newbie's hand. "Keep the change."

Shinpachi, having gotten back from sacrificing actual food for strawberry milk, watched the emotions flash across the cashier's face. Horrified, confused, incredulous. _Don't judge me_, he mentally pleaded to the greasy teenage punk. _I'm perfectly normal despite the company I keep._

A distant part of his mind told him that it wasn't right for a regular-looking guy like him to be pleading normality to a high school dropout with a green faux-hawk and more piercings than he had toes, but Shinpachi ignored that little voice. They took their leave, slowly ambling back to the Yorozuya.

It was only when they were halfway down the street that the poor cashier snapped out of his stupor and realized, as he was washing his hands, what had actually happened.

"What the-? Keep the change? He was short 500 yen!"

* * *

><p>The first thing Gintoki said when he got back was "Aw, hell no". This was because the last person... thing he wanted to see was staring right at him with those creepy round eyes.<p>

_Blink._

"Lizzie says Zura's gone missing again, aru."

"Aw, hell no."

"What happened?" Shinpachi asked. "Elizabeth-san, how long has he been gone? Do you think he's in trouble?"

"Feh. Do you even have to ask? That bastard's always in trouble. Don't worry, he's probably just in jail again."

"Just in jail! How can you say that about a friend!"

"Nuh uh," Kagura said, shaking her head. "Me and Sadaharu went past the police station already and didn't smell him."

"So he's in a Shinsengumi squad care being delivered to jail. Problem solved, get the hell out of here." Gintoki waved Elizabeth away, but she (he? it?) ignored this gesture.

_Fwip!_ The sign came out.

_Pirates took him_, it said. _Space pirates._

* * *

><p>FLASHBACK!<p>

Katsura read over the report that one of his spies had just sent him. It detailed yet more suspicious happenings down by the docks.

"Stealing from hardworking Edo citizens to fund their narcotics trade? Unforgiveable!" He crumpled up the parchment and turned to Elizabeth. "I'm going after the pirates, Elizabeth. They'll be punished before dinner time. How does soba tonight sound?"

Elizabeth blinked her agreement.

And that was the last she saw of him...

FLASHFORWARD!

* * *

><p>"That flashback was pathetic," Gintoki said. "Not to mention that if it was really space pirates that took him, he's probably feeling right at home."<p>

"Yeah, don't worry, space pirates won't eat their own kind, aru."

"Even if they did, they wouldn't eat Zura because his wig would have them hocking up hairballs for weeks."

"You guys, why are we talking about cannibalism? Cannibalism has nothing to do with this." Shinpachi's comments were promptly ignored.

"If anything," Gintoki continued, "he's eloped with some hot peg-legged pirate lass and he's gone native and they're busy having pirate babies as we speak."

"Gin-chan, are you really okay with that? What if Mrs. Pirate doesn't like us? Or what if she's the jealous type and won't let Zura spend time with his friends?"

"HE'S NOT MARRIED!" Shinpachi screeched. "KATSURA-SAN'S NOT MARRIED!"

"Hmph. Of course I'm not okay with it! What do chicks see in that type of guy anyway? And if he's not coming back, then fine. We'll vote him off the island!"

"NOW WHAT IS THIS, SURVIVOR?"

"I want Zura to stay, aru. I say we vote Shinpachi off."

Facing his imminent loss of tribal status, Shinpachi frowned. "Okay, now that's just cruel," he said. Obviously, the conversation was going nowhere, so he sighed and began to trudge out of the room.

"Hey, Pachi!" Gintoki called out. "Don't forget to put yourself in the non-recyclable pile when you take out the trash!"

"TAKE IT OUT YOURSELF, YOU LAZY BUM!"

The door gave a satisfying slam.


	2. They're Professionals

Five sexy pirate chicks - er, four sexy pirate chicks and one not-so-sexy pirate chick - stood on the bridge of the Salty Squid, a heavily modified S-class battle cruiser. As their ship sailed through the Milky Way, they discussed their nefarious plans.

"Captain," the most scantily-clad pirate said, "I think we should raid Centauri Base first."

The captain put her hand on her chin, seemingly deep in thought. "Hmmm..." she said.

"Are you paying attention, captain?"

"Uh huh..."

"Right," the nearly-naked pirate continued. "So, Centauri Base has weak defenses along the outer walls..."

The captain's hand went from stroking her chin... to fiddling with her useless glass eyepatch... to absently playing with a lock of her long hair. It was supposed to be black, she thought, but there had always been a bit of a red tinge to it. Lately there was more and more red creeping in. Sun damage? Eew, the sun made her itchy. Was that because the stories about her grandmother's improper relations with a Yato man were actually true? Oh, grandma... How wild you were before settling down on the outskirts of Cygnus Prime and living out a peaceful life as a retired army drill sergeant's wife... And even after that, because daddy was your second child...

"Captain!"

"Yeah, I'm listening."

"As I said, we surprise them by taking out the turret along the north wall, and then-"

She turned to her first mate, whose hair was perfectly smooth and silky. The captain and her elegantly reserved right-hand pirate were the tallest of the lot, and the most snazzily dressed, like real pirates ought to be... because they were real pirates, of course.

"Hey, how do you keep your hair so nice? I mean, with all the fighting we do, and those Zaborgian slime things that we encountered last time, you know, with their slime-spewing and stuff... "

"Regular brushing," the first mate softly replied.

"Really? That's it?"

"Yes. One hundred strokes per side."

"I should try that."

"CAPTAIN!" slut-pirate interrupted.

"Huh?"

"PAY ATTENTION!"

The captain stared blankly when faced with the angry pirate wench. This was no ordinary angry pirate wench, but one with a solid gold hook for a left hand, and a bra that was about to rip in half from the weight of her bazoombas. The captain blinked. "Yeah, sure, we'll attack whenever."

"That's not good enough, captain! You need to start leading us to gold and glory, or I swear upon this hook that I will cut you down and take your place as I should have done from the start of this, arr!" She brandished her hook hand menacingly.

"Aww, silly Hooker, you know you can't beat me in a fair fight." The captain cocked her head to the side and pondered this. "Say, Hooker, are you really okay with that name?"

"What?"

"I mean, I know you say they call you 'Hooker' because of your hook, but I can't help but wonder if it's also because you dress like a whore."

"Sh-shut up! Just give your orders, goddamnit!"

"Ahem. Ladies, your captain has decided." She straightened herself up and struck an impressive pose reminiscent of a certain spiced rum mascot. "From now on, this ship is to have a new dress code. No more than 3/8ths of the skin's surface area may be bared at any time outside of one's personal quarters, which means snazzy pirate coats for all!"

From the back, the not-so-sexy pirate put her head in her hands and wept for humanity. Or, since they weren't exactly human in the Earthling view of things... for humanoid-alien-ity, if there was such a thing.

Hooker seethed, shaking her pointy prosthetic at their incompetent leader, whereupon their incompetent leader said, "That means you, Hooker. Would it kill you to put on some pants? You're not Senator GaGa of BaconDress Planet, you know."

_Badum-cha!_ It was at times like this that the captain wished their crew had a dedicated straight man who would jump in to yell at her for making shitty pop culture references that didn't make any sense. Ahh, the good straight men were all taken... and the rest were gay. _Badum-cha!_

Hooker snarled upon seeing the silly grin on the captain's face. With one last shake of her hook, she spun around and stomped off toward the door. "Come on, Lola! We're leaving!"

The last pirate hopped off from where she had been sitting on the command console. With a little tittering jailbait giggle, she flounced after Hooker, her frilly skirts doing nothing to dispel the sinking feeling most people got from looking at her - the sinking feeling that little ten-year-old girls should not be eating lollipops in such a suggestive manner.

"Wait up, sis! Lola is coming, tee hee~!" She sashayed away.

Once the door had closed, the captain turned to the two remaining crew members.

"I think they're going to mutiny again."

"They're going to kill us!" Plank said through her sobs. At least, this was what the captain assumed Plank had said. It was all quite muffled and hysterical.

"Well, yeah. But you guys will side with me if something happens, right?" She turned to her first mate, who gave a curt nod, and then to Plank, who refused to look up.

"The captain and I would not blame you if you chose not to side with us. They are formidable foes."

"I know, right? A hooker and a loli-pop... this is dangerous stuff. I won't get mad if you wanna stay out of the thing entirely. It's up to you." The captain shrugged and adjusted her snazzy pirate hat. "You got somethin' you wanna say, Plank?"

Plank's lips quivered. Her nose dripped; she snorted the drippy mucus back in. Still, she remained silent and sullenly glaring at the floor.

"Go on, Plank. Your captain is a kind captain. I'll listen to you even though you're just a no-rank swabbie." She put a comforting hand on Plank's heaving shoulders. Unfortunately this did not have the intended result, and Plank ran out of the room wailing like a banshee.

"Whoa. I didn't even make any jokes about her being flat as a board that time..."

"I believe," the first mate said, "that Plank holds you accountable for completely ruining her life."

"...Oh."

* * *

><p><em>Schink, schink, schink...<em>

Hooker sharpened her hook with bloodthirsty glee, all the while muttering creative invectives against the woman she was forced to obey.

On the other side of the room, Lola McShiveryTimbers was also preparing her weapons. She carefully polished her razor-sharp fans, happy that they were just~ so~ cute~ and matched her nails perfectly. But looking at her sister, the loli-pirate pouted. "Aaah~ Lola thinks you should just let it go. The old lady left Big Red in charge, after all."

"That damn baggy lesbian cougar! I've been on this crew way longer than our 'captain', and yet she takes over the ship! I'll bet she fuckin' slept her way to the top!"

Hooker was apparently not sensitive to irony.

Lola shrugged and fluffed her petticoats. "There's no accounting for taste~. Lola thinks you're more qualified to be captain, but good for us that Cap'n Red is an empty doodie-head, unlike the old lady, who was a real pain because she had smarts."

"Ugh! If only it was just her, I could handle it. But who the hell is that new girl, to suddenly show up and get appointed to first mate? This is... Yarr, this be cause for mutiny!"

"But you tried that last week, remember? You couldn't even get to the captain before you got your ass kicked by the newbie~, and that's why she's the first mate - 'cuz she's tougher than you~."

At the thought of her previous humiliation, Hooker lowered her head and hissed out a few more curses.

"What was that? Lola didn't quite hear you~"

Hooker's head whipped up, her cheeks stained a furious red. "I said, we don't know where she comes from, and she looks like a MAN!"

…

…

…

"Heehee~ That's just silly! Lola can't believe there could be a man as pretty as that."

"I swear I saw an Adam's apple!"

"Don't tell Lola that you're still sore about that Senator GaGa comment... The newbie is not a man." She covered her mouth demurely so as not to show the devious smirk underneath. "But... Maybe we could spread some rumors..."

"Riiiight. Every pirate needs a pirate name..."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, sister?"

"Hell yeah! From now on, we call her Tranny!"

Smack! Lola whacked her sister over the head with her iron fan.

"Ow!"

"More subtlety!"

"Then... Okama?"

Smack!

"More subtlety!" Lola demanded. Unfortunately, Hooker was out of ideas, so it was up to her big sister yet again. "Oh, you're so useless! Lola meant to call her a trap, dum-dum-pop, a trap!"

Little did they know that this was true.


	3. Senator GaGa Approves of This Message!

Gintoki didn't really want to go out to investigate, but Shinpachi nagged at him until he decided that "investigation" was actually a pretty good excuse to get drunk and play pachinko all night. This turned out to be a brilliant decision, as not only did he win enough to get pleasantly sloshed without increasing his debt to the barkeep, but he also happened to meet a crying drunkard who wailed all about his recent encounters with space pirates by the docks.

"Ssssspace piratesssss-! They plundered the- Oh god, the plundering! The loot! The plundering! Ish crazy, man! But no one believes me! What'sh thish world coming toooo?" At this point, he broke into a fit of sobbing.

"Yo. Tell me about the pirates, and maybe I'll believe you," Gintoki said.

"This beeee- This bee-yoo-tiful woman went up to the pirates, and they- and they- WAAAAAAHHH!" The drunkard clawed at his eyes as if he wanted to scratch them out so he never had to see something so horrible ever again. "It was awful, what they were giving out! I can't ssshay anymore! Go ask mah buddy down by the docksh; he'll tell ya!"

Then he promptly passed out and wouldn't wake up even when Gintoki waved a beer bottle under his nose.

* * *

><p>In Katsura's version of events, it had happened like this:<p>

He had spotted the pirates! They were here! Katsura hid himself in the nearest alley to watch them. They appeared to be setting up a table of sorts; there had been snacks laid out and it was decorated with festive balloons. Then there was a brief argument and a scuffle amongst themselves, but Katsura was unable to hear any of it. Two of the pirates headed into town, one trudged back into their ship, and the remaining pirate... sat down at the table and took out a sign.

_**PIRATE RECRUITMENT, YAY!**_ the sign said in a bold rainbow wonderland of magic marker magic.

_Calling all female swashbucklers! Ever wanted to loot a space station? Take the helm on a hyperspace race against the intergalactic police? Or just blow shit up? (Blowing shit up is the best part.) If so, the Salty Squid is looking for YOU. Join now! Become a pirate today and we'll even throw in a free toaster! A $25 value, absolutely FREE!_

Below this was what appeared to be the fine print, but in messy handwriting. Katsura slowly approached, glad that he'd had the foresight to come dressed for looting and pillaging. When he reached the recruitment table, he squinted to read the rest of the sign.

It was tiny scrawled cursive with various cross-outs here and there. Compared with the glorious rainbow before it, the penmanship here was so poor that it looked like it had been written with the left hand while the foreign artist was busy looking up translations. It said:

_The captain and crew of the Salty Squid shall not be held accountable for any damages your reputation and/or rap sheet might incur as a result of your choice to associate with space pirates, some of whom are wanted in more than fifteen solar systems._

"Ahahaha!" The pirate excitedly ran around to greet Katsura. "Welcome, welcome! Have a seat... Oh, and please don't let the small print scare you away. Legalities, you know? One of our crew is a former accountant, and she's actually wanted for tax evasion."

Katsura blinked. He remained stoic in the face of the smiling pirate, but his mind was roiling inside. Damn that sneaky Amanto! Using such ruthless tactics such as extending one's hand in friendship only to turn traitor at the last second! The poor fools who had fallen for this must have been crying now after all their assets had been taken away by loan sharks, their families turned out on the streets, dying in dirty alleyways, too weak to even shed tears anymore...

"I SHALL AVENGE YOU ALL, MY BRETHREN! I PROMISE TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT THERE IS HONOR AMONG PIRATES-! ...Ah." Having remembered himself, Katsura glanced back down. His fist lowered from where it had been railing against the heavens.

The Amanto pirate blinked at him. Katsura blinked back.

"Would you like to join our crew?" she asked. "I just baked these cookies this morning."

"Yes," Katsura said. He bit into a delicious chocolate chip cookie.

"So what's your name?"

"Kat- choo! Excuse me. My name is Joy. Joy Calderone."

"Okay, cool. I hope you're not too attached to that name, though, because pirates gotta have pirate names, so we'll figure out what to call you later. Next... What do you think of ninjas?"

"They are cowardly."

"Good. What about robots?"

"Machines have their uses, but a warrior's true strength comes from within his soul."

"...Close enough. What about the police, the... Shinsengumi or whatever you have around here?"

"Dogs of the corrupt government!"

"I like your spirit! You're in! Would you like a toaster?"

"The blue one, please."

Infiltration was a success. Things were going as planned. And even if his new toaster was a bit tacky, it was an exceptional deal.

* * *

><p>The wino in the alley by the docks said he used to be a sailor. Even to this day, he claimed to keep track of the movements of all the most notorious pirates who had been sighted in the vicinity. Case in point, when Gintoki had given him the drunkard's description of the "beautiful woman" (most likely Katsura - no, definitely Katsura beyond a doubt) and the pirate who had taken "her", the wino had immediately jumped in to say he knew exactly who the culprit was.<p>

Then he burped.

Then he proceeded to explain exactly who the culprit was! "A big red-haired pirate wit' a glass eyepatch, ye say? There can be only one! Haven'tcha heard? It's Redbeard the Virgin Hunter! It's said he'll kill you and take yer wimminfolk, an'... an' debauch them! Iffin yer girl is wit' Redbeard's crew, she's _doomed_. Ye won' recognize 'er when Redbeard's done!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the captain's quarters of the Salty Squid...<p>

Katsura, or "Trap", as they had taken to calling him, was sitting at the captain's desk with a copy of Shonen Jump. The captain herself was lolling about on her bed, making shadow hands prance around on the ceiling. They appeared, for all intents and purposes, to be having a girls' sleepover.

"Captain," Katsura began. He lifted his head away from the Jump to follow the movements of the shadow-rabbit eating a shadow-carrot. "Why do they call you Redbeard when you don't have a beard? Is it not obvious that you and your crew are all women?"

"Oh, I dunno... Maybe it's a metaphorical beard because I'm so super-manly and hot and I make the ladies swoon. If I bound my breasts, do you think I could pass for a man?"

"Captain, you knit little booties for your pets. While a commendable hobby, I do not believe this is what most Amanto cultures consider to be masculine behavior."

"Good point. Then maybe the beard is... uh... something like a rumor that Hooker and Lola came up with and spread when they were pissed at me that other time? One of those other times, anyway, since they're pretty much always pissed at me."

In the other room, said pirates let out synchronized sneezes.

Red pondered her new theory. "Hmm... Nah, couldn't be. Well, either way, I thought it was funny so I helped embellish the rumors a little bit myself. I've always thought it would be cool if people thought I was a mystical creature like Bigfoot."

"Ah, I see." Katsura returned to his reading.

* * *

><p>Gintoki's face was blank as he took in the wild stories that these men were telling. If he could, he would smack each one of them with a paper fan and scream "Boke!" even if that meant stealing Shinpachi's job. Really, these Amanto sailors' fish tales were worse than the stuff kids told each other around a campfire.<p>

There was no campfire here at this sleepover, so they substituted with flashlights.

"Redbeard!" The fish-headed Amanto began his recitation by wriggling his fin-fingers ominously. "If you light a candle in a dark room and say his name three times, he'll come to skin you alive head first!"

"Oh, but I heard that he was..." The shrimp-headed Amanto paused and looked around to create more tension. "...the spirit... of a CANNIBAL! AND HE'LL COOK YOU UP AND EAT YOU AS YOU'RE WATCHING! HE'LL FEED YOU PIECES OF YOUR OWN BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNNS~! MWAHAHAHA!"

Eeek! Aaaah! They tittered like schoolgirls.

When the excitement died down, it was finally the last man's turn to tell his tale. The Amanto all waited in anticipation. Gintoki asked himself for the fourty-fifth time why the hell he was doing this.

The squid Amanto cleared his throat in preparation. "Ahem. I heard he was a transvestite butt-pirate."

The audience's response was poor. Greeted with this lack of enthusiasm, he paused, then waved his tentacles about. "Um, he's an eeevil ghoooost... of a transvestite with a weakness for guys with cute booties..." Wiggle, wiggle. His tentacles dangled uselessly in the air.

The others shook their heads.

The wiggling stopped. "...No? A-aww..."

* * *

><p>"No, don't do that, Cthchewy! Stop it or you'll rip your new booties!" Red pulled the wad of yarn out of the pink octopus' mouth.<p>

Cthchewy let out a little "Gragh!" and proceeded to wave his tiny be-bootied tentacles in some sort of alien sign language. The strange creature resembling an octopus wiener then scuttled along the floor and climbed its way up the desk to sniff at Katsura, who handled the situation like a professional at handling situations involving alien pets.

Katsura poked Cthchewy in the meaty mass that was its abdomen, which was the signal for Cthchewy to flip over. He then proceeded to tickle the little monster's belly, watching as it wriggled its stubby tentacles with glee.

"Hey," Red said, peeking over from the other side, "are Edo comics any good?"

"They are not comics," Katsura replied as he continued the tickle-attack. "They are called manga; there is a difference. However, in answer to your question, yes, they are very enjoyable."

"Cool. Can I borrow that when you're done? You can read through my Tek Jansen collection."

"Tek Jansen is an Amanto superhero?"

"Yup. He's had hundreds of girlfriends."

"Gragh!" Cthchewy said. Although Katsura could not understand, this roughly translated to, "I like this guy. He gives good tickles."


	4. Bringing Sexy Back

"Kagura-chan," Shinpachi said, "I don't think these sunglasses are necessary."

"Of course they're necessary, aru. Who's ever heard of a secret agent without sunglasses?"

There was silence as Shinpachi considered how best to deal with this situation. Gintoki had gone off in the direction of the pachinko parlor, which left the two of them to the real investigation. Using his powers of common sense, Shinpachi had decided that their first stop was to check out the Nyarita Intergalactic Spaceport in downtown Edo, which had detailed logs of all legal spaceship activity in the region... and offered bounties on everything else.

1. become bounty hunters  
>2. defeat pirates (and find Katsura-san)<br>3. claim bounty  
>4. ? ? ?<br>5. PROFIT

His plan was foolproof.

Unfortunately, the whole place was swarming with Amanto, many of whom were the obnoxious panther-types that had bullied him back when he had been working at that cafe. Seeing their ugly whiskered faces brought up bad memories for Shinpachi. Nevertheless, he was determined to kill two birds with one stone. _Gin-san, I promise to get us a job that will earn enough for you to pay rent this month! ...And take away your excuse for skimping out on my salary, damn it!_

Shinpachi sucked in a deep breath. It was time to put his plan into action. "Well, it was fun while it lasted, but I'm taking them off now. Let's check the information kiosk first."

Before he could make a move, Kagura slammed his arm back against the wall. Her lips curled up in a gangsta sneer as she threatened him. "Huuuh? What was that, Pachi? Ya disobeyin' the boss, huuuuh? I oughta chop off ya li'l finger fer that!"

"I thought you said we were secret agents, not yakuza!"

"Doesn't matta. I'm the boss o' this mission, aru. And what th' boss says, goes!"

"Are you serious? We're wearing sunglasses at night, indoors. The only people who do that are either blind, or just had their eyes dilated at the optometrist. And just look at me! NO ONE wears sunglasses on top of their glasses! Aaaargh!" He yanked off the sunglasses and glared at Kagura, panting as if he'd just run a marathon. Which he had. He'd been racing against stupidity since the day he'd joined the Yorozuya.

"Geez, Pachi, you don't have to be so mean about it..." Kagura pouted and took off her own sunglasses. "And after I went to all that trouble to get us these cool secret agent outfits, too..."

"What outfits? All we have are sunglasses. They were two-for-one, and you bought them at the dollar store with a coin you probably picked up from under a vending machine."

"It wasn't from the vending machine. I found it in Madao's cardboard box, aru."

"YOU ROBBED A HOMELESS MAN?" Shinpachi's hands were shaking as he looked down at the evil sunglasses he was clutching. Sunglasses! Sunglasses born from the pain of a man who hid his pain behind sunglasses! And hid his savings in a cardboard box which had been robbed to buy sunglasses! Forgive me, Hasegawa-san!

"Anyway, I'm in still charge, right Sadaharu?"

"Arf!"

"See?"

"Ahem." Their conversation was interrupted by a security guard. "Excuse me, ma'am, but dogs aren't allowed in here."

Kagura quickly snapped the sunglasses back on before turning to acknowledge him. "I'm blind, aru."

"Oh, my sincere apologies!" The man quickly bowed and left. Once out of hearing range, Kagura once again channeled her inner mafioso.

"A'ight, now let's get down to business! C'mon, minion, to the bounty hunters' guild, aru!" She raised her fist for great justice! For great justice and sukonbu!

"Arf!"

In two bounding lopes, Sadaharu had caught up to and devoured the security guard's head.

* * *

><p>Deep in the bowels of hyperspace, a pirate ship sailed by. It was on a mission to the planet Gliese 581 g, and the ruthless pirates on board would stop for nothing before they tasted blood.<p>

"Beeeoooouuuuiiiieeee~"

"Captain, stop that."

"Uuuuuuooooooooouuuoooo~"

"Captain!"

"Bweeauuooo?"

_Crack!_ Hooker smashed a hole in the wall with her hook hand. Bosoms heaving with rage, she viciously dug out some earplugs and shoved them in. The captain was dead to her! The world was dead to her!

Undeterred, Captain Redbeard continued manning the ship while broadcasting through the comm for all the universe to hear: "Buuuuuuiiiiii~ Buuuuuuiiiiiii~"

Katsura sat next to Plank with Cthchewy on his shoulder. The two (or three, but Cthchewy was preoccupied with munching on Katsura's hair) of them watched the scene unfold impassively. He glanced outside, but saw nothing in the bowels of hyperspace except little turds of asteroids here and there, and he wondered, vaguely, what it would be like to come out the other end, out of the extraterrestrial pucker and into a brave new world...

"Captain?" he tentatively called out. Sensing that he was about to kick up a shit-storm of insanity, Plank tried to signal him to remain silent. She timidly flapped her hands while her lips quivered and tears formed in her eyes, but alas, Katsura did not understand. He continued his line of questioning.

"Captain, what language are you speaking?"

"Buuu- I mean, it's Whelsh, the language of the whales!"

"Whales! There are whales in space? _Space whales?_" Katsura's eyes lit up in anticipatory glee. The synapses in his brain began firing rapidly; his mind was bursting with possibilities that no one else could even imagine. Literally.

"Psst. No, stop now," Plank whispered. She was summarily ignored.

"Yes, space whales! Or, well, they're actually starwhals. You know, like narwhals? They have these horns on them, see, and each one has a star at the tip, 'cuz the starwhals are just that big. The starwhals do this to attract mates - skewer stars on their horns, that is. It's like their way of saying, 'Look at me! I'm such a daredevil! I just pierced this pulsar on my very phallic extension, fuck yeah!' And I hear that sometimes you can even see planets still orbiting the stars! I'm trying to call them over. Because they're really cool. You wanna try?"

Hands shaking with utter awe at the situation, Katsura approached the console. He reached out, reverently caressing the 'broadcast' button. Behind him, unnoticed, Plank had begun to sob again. Beside him, the captain gave him the go-ahead.

He pressed down.

"BWWUUUUOOOUUUUUUIIIIEEEE~"

* * *

><p>"Fire! Fire at the piratey bastards!" shouted Commander Zephranox.<p>

"Yessir!"

The crew raced off to their battle stations, determined to protect their precious cargo. The large carrier, though well-armored, was cumbersome and had already taken much damage from the deadly small fighters these piratey bastards liked to employ.

"Goddamn Carinids..." the commander muttered under his breath. Ship #437 of the Intergalactic Imperial Fleet was under assault by none other than the notorious King of the Space Pirates of the Carinae, Piratus McPirate VI.

_BOOM! CRASH! FZZZT!_

The latest wave of laser torpedoes hit the already staggering ship, sending a dozen or so crew members flying. "Ugh!" grunted Commander Zephranox as his perfectly chiseled face smashed into the navigation console. When he slowly pulled himself back up, his once-aquiline nose was awkwardly bent and blood streamed down his face. As the emergency alarms blared, the central vid screen suddenly flickered on. The man who appeared was none other than the Pirate King himself, with a couple members of his harem strategically draped across the battle-scarred man so as to best rub it in his harem-less enemies' faces.

"Bwahahahaa! Arr…Zephranox," said the burly pirate, "This be ye last moments, ol' friend. Yer engines is down an' me men've seized yer rum an' cargo. 'Tis our booty now!" And just out of spite, the swerving horde of pirate ships shot at them some more.

"You fiend!" Zephranox gasped. "You won't…guh…get away with this!"

"Oh, but ah already 'ave! Th' Emperor's new shipment o' sex robots is mine, yar! BOOTY!"

"Nooo!"

But even before the Commander's cry had ended, space pirates had swarmed into the room and were meticulously slaughtering his crew. Seeing no other way, Zephranox attempted to at least save some of his men. "Evacuate, men! Everyone to the escape pods!"

The remaining crew members fought their way to the pods with the pirates right at their heels. One by one, the Commander saw his men slain by the ruthless pirates and their plasma-beam cutlasses until there was only one lone cadet fighting bravely at his side.

The two survivors managed to finish off the first wave of pirates only to see another rounding the corner. They were so close to salvation, but the pirates were gaining. So close! So close!

"Hurry, rookie! Get in the pod!" The cadet vaulted into the tiny spacecraft in record time. Furiously fumbling, he somehow managed to enter the correct launch sequence. He closed his eyes for a second and breathed a sigh of relief as the countdown began, only to open them to the most gruesome sight he'd ever witnessed.

Three. Commander Zephranox had made it to his own pod, yes, but he was just a tad bit slow in closing the hatch. The pirates had swarmed him and dragged him out kicking and screaming. Well, the escape pods were soundproof, but he sure looked like he was letting out some pretty loud stuff.

Two. The once proud and fearless leader of Ship #437 of the Intergalactic Imperial Fleet desperately clung to the sides of the rickety pod while the pirates grabbed hold of his legs and stretched him out. Wait. Leg, singular. An over-zealous pirate just sliced off one of the limbs with his plasma-beam cutlass. It looked like the other pirates were giggling.

One. A particularly vicious lady pirate, a four-armed little thing from Phom-2, the cadet duly noted, sunk her razor sharp claws into the Commander's perfectly muscled abdominals, fished around for a bit, and ripped out what appeared to be his liver. Or maybe it was a kidney. She turned around and gave the cadet a razor sharp grin.

He launched. She ate his liver. Kidney. Whatever.

Damn, but it was traumatizing.

-oOo-

"Ooh, Captain Mordred! Your stories get me all hot and bothered…"

"Yes, tell us more about your cadet days, studmuffin."

"No, tell us more about your quest to stop your evil sister Morgan. You know how fascinating I find those tales."

The Captain pondered whether or not to tell the tavern wenches. He was really pondering their lovely backsides, but somehow managed to make it seem like a suave and sophisticated move. "Maybe next time, ladies. Captain Mordred's got things to see, people to do. People like those busty space ninjas."

He smiled, and his pearly whites beamed so brightly that it was like a halogen lamp suddenly switched on in the middle of a pitch-black cave. The tavern wenches shielded their eyes so they wouldn't go blind, which was exactly the cue Mordred had been waiting for. He quickly scrambled away from the bar and into the more obscured corners of the room.

Because there was only one thing the heroic Captain Mordred feared, and that was commitment. Even if that commitment was to three separate women.

"Hello there, little lady... You wouldn't happen to be a space ninja, would you?" He winked at the sizzling little number with the healthy appetite.

"Um, excuse me, sir... K-Kagura-chan's off limits..."

"Oh, is that so? Is it because you're her little boyfriend, then?"

"N-no! No way! We're not like that!" Shinpachi vehemently denied the idea even as he tried to squish his way between Kagura and the strange pervert who suddenly approached them. Perhaps, he thought from the part of his mind that wasn't freaking out at the unexpected issue of having to deal with such a brazen child molester, it was his brotherly protective instinct kicking in.

"Well, then, seeing such a fine young lady all alone..."

"But- But you can't be-because-!"

At that moment, Kagura swallowed the last bite of her delicious stew. Slowly, she turned her eyes up at her admirer.

Their eyes met.

And there was a spark.

"Because I'm fourteen, aru!" She punctuated the statement with a jump-kick to the face.

Captain Mordred flew clear across the room and slammed into the wall. To add insult to injury, Sadaharu flew out from under their table to play "fetch" with the man's head.

Battered and bleeding, and apparently a glutton for punishment, he crawled up to them again. "Rawr! You've got it going on. Why, in a few years, I could see you taking the Miss Milky Way title."

"Ho ho ho!" Kagura preened. "Of course I will, aru! And while I'm winning beauty pageants, you'll be in jail on child molestation charges, won't you, Mr. Pedophile?"

"Well, how about I give you some _candy_ and let you have a ride on my _spaceship_, eh?" Wink, nudge, eyebrow-raise. "Glasses boy can come, too," he tacked on at the end.

"Excuse me? I am not my glasses! And what makes you think we want anything to do with such a suspicious person like yourself! Come on, Kagura, let's get out of-"

Shinpachi's tirade was interrupted by a perfectly tanned, muscular fist coming out to grip his face. And turn his head from side to side. And pinch his cheeks like an overzealous aunt.

"Hmm... Now that I've gotten a look at you, you're not so bad yourself..."

"No way, absolutely no way!" He wrenched the hand away. "Look, we're on a mission, okay? We don't have time to be playing around with sick bastards like you! Kagura, come on." He turned to face her. "Now that we've eaten, let's go back to check on the bounties-"

"Hey, Pedo-man, make that an all-you-can-eat Vegas style buffet and you've got a deal."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I stole the idea of "Whelsh" from Pirates of the Undead Sea (look up the game on Kongregate). Starwhals are totally mine, though. LOLWUT. Anyway, thanks for sticking with me so far! I know, this fic is a mess. It's just a dumping ground for crack, really... But then again, that's just perfect for Gintama :D


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